Tagged: Apologies , Mother in Law , Blabbermouth. Ralph Kramden : Ed Norton : What would you say a bad temperature is? Ralph Kramden : Hundred and two, What is it, Norton? What is my temperature? Ralph Kramden : A hundred and eleven? Ed Norton : Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life! Tagged: Temperature , Thermometer , Fever. Tagged: shakespeare , Game Shows , Alone , Solitude.
A blabbermouth! Tagged: Blabbermouth , Mother in Law. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya.
If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side! Tagged: enemies , Fat-Shaming. Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments. Alice : I don't know the latest developments?
Who is it that lets your pants out every other day? Tagged: papers , Comic Books , Fat-Shaming. Christmas is When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there's snow and everyone's hustling some place. But they don't hustle around Christmastime like they usually do. You know, they're a little more friendlier Merry Christmas' Everybody's walking home, you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringin', kids are singing, the snow is coming down.
And boy what a pleasure it is to think that you've got some place to go to. And that the place that you're going to, there's somebody in it that you really love. Someone you're nuts about.
Merry Christmas. Tagged: Christmas , Merry Christmas , Sentimental. When have you ever caught anything? Alice : Fifteen years ago. I caught pounds of blubber. Tagged: Fishing , Fat-Shaming. I wouldn't. One liner Snowman Jokes. A Mother's job description. A long way to tip a Rary. Church Bulletin Bloopers. Ole and Lena on their honeymoon. Confucius says. Ole and Lena - Ole dies.
Inspirational Quote. You cannot wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Change Quote. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
Girls Quote. If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. All quotations on this website are the property and copyright of their respective authors. All quotations are provided for educational and informational purposes only.
I'm sickly. Ralph: Sickly? Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market. Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors Alice: You're so right, Thelma. My husband will be glad to scrub the floors. Ralph: Just a minute. Who's doing the hiring here? All right, Alice, it's all off! Alice: Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career. So it's either Thelma or you.
Thelma: And I might as well tell you somethin' else, right now: I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see? My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done. I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one.
If you're gonna have a party, I get time-and-a-half over and the next day off. And, uh, if you're planning on having any late snacks, I don't do no cleaning up the next morning.
And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks. Alice Kramden: Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: "Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done. Alice Kramden: I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world: a husband!
Ralph: Don't start that again, Alice. No wife of mine is gonna work. I got my pride. You know, no Kramden woman has ever supported her husband. The Kramden men are the workers in the family. Alice: Wait a minute, Ralph. What about your father? For a long time there he didn't work at all. Ralph: But neither did my mother. At least he kept his pride, Alice. He went on relief.
Norton: Well, without a doubt, Ralph, you have achieved the height of gracious living. You are one of the In fact, you could be all of the Norton: Is she anything like that maid we saw in that burlesque show?
You know the maid we saw at the burlesque show? Is she like that? Norton: You remember, the one that helped Lily St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine.
Ralph: Oh no, she's not like that maid. She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub. Ralph: Just be a little careful, Alice, a little careful. Remember, the life you save may be your own. Alice: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you "Killer" 'cause you slay me. Bert Wedemeyer: Well, I'm pretty lucky, too. I have a wife, who every time she gets something for herself, she gives something to me. Ralph: Well, I wanna say, Mrs.
Weidermeyer, that that's very thoughtful. It's not many wives who want to give their husbands somethin'. Alice: Oh, I don't know, Ralph. And you may get it real soon! Ralph: Pet names for each other? Now, isn't that cute. I betcha that was your idea. Rita Wedemeyer: Yes, it was. Don't you have certain names you like to call your husband?
Rita Wedemeyer: All you have to do is pick out your husband's outstanding feature, and find a name that fits. Alice: A treasure? Trixie: Whoever said the Age of Chivalry is dead was right. I know the two guys that killed it. Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop. On the way to the bus they walked twenty feet ahead of us. And they only talked to each other. And if that isn't bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats. And who sits in those two empty seats? Ralph: It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis.
And I'm the treasurer, Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means?
Alice: Yeah. Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up a hundred percent. Ed Norton: [seeing a vase full of flowers] Look at these here, Ralph! Boy, they had me fooled. They're real! They're almost as good as the artificial ones. Ed Norton: [as he and Ralph do the commercial] If my wife Trixie is looking in, and when I come home, she says, "I told you so," I'm gonna belt her right in the mouth!
Ed Norton: [shouting during the end of the commercial] And now, back to Charlie Chan! We can't lose. Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there.
You said, "People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car. Ralph Kramden: Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into. Ralph Kramden: Look, Alice, please, it's simple arithmetic. We buy something for ten cents, and we sell it for a dollar! It's that simple. Alice Kramden: If it's so simple, Ralph, why didn't the man who had these things in his warehouse sell them and make this big profit?
Ralph Kramden: Because he thinks small like you do. He thinks he's got to go from door to door to sell these things. That's where my great idea comes in. I go on television and in five minutes, I can sell the whole 2, of them. Look, how long do you think it would take that guy to sell 2, of these if he went from door to door?
Alice Kramden: [Ralph has been laid off and Alice is talking about getting a job to help make ends meet] I can get a job as a secretary. Ralph Kramden: Oh, you can. And who do you think is gonna do the housework around here? Ralph Kramden: Oh, no! No, sir, Alice. No, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir! No, sir! Not me! Alice Kramden: Oh, yes, you are, Ralph! I'm getting a job and you're gonna do the housework! Alice Kramden: I forgot to tell ya something and it's very important. I told Tony that I lived with my brother.
See, he doesn't know that I'm married, so when he gets here, you just say you're my brother. You told him that you were not what and I'm who? Alice Kramden: Well, I couldn't very well tell him that I was married. They don't believe in hiring married women; it's an office rule.
Ralph Kramden: [getting steamed, somewhat incredulous] And also that Frank and Bill and Pete and George, they don't know that you're married, either? Alice Kramden: Of course not. See, they figured that if they hired a married woman, she might leave to start a family, or her husband might tell her to quit to something. Ralph Kramden: Oh, they're so right!
You are quittin'! And this isn't your brother talkin', this is your husband! Alice Kramden: Listen, Ralph, I did not spend that money on clothes and you know it! Besides, how far do you think 62 dollars a week will go? Ralph Kramden: Will you shut your big mouth and stop yelling my salary?
I don't want the neighbors to know how much I'm makin'! Ed Norton: [asking about Ralph's idea to lay off some of the bus drivers] What's the good word, buddy boy? Ralph Kramden: [talking about Norton] Somewhere, Alice, somewhere, there's a straitjacket waiting for that man! Ed Norton: I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer.
I felt just like a fish out of water. Ralph Kramden: [about the job Alice got] In order to get it, she had to tell the boss that she wasn't married. And on top of everything, she told him that I was her brother! Ed Norton: Well, if that's what she had to say to get the job, then that's what she had to say. Ralph Kramden: Don't you understand the implications of a thing like that? If the boss knows she's single, he's liable to try to make a date with her!
Ed Norton: Now, wait a minute, Ralph, that won't necessarily follow through. Take my cousin, for instance. She works. Her boss knows she's single. He don't try to make no date with her. Norton: Well anyway, I gotta tell ya I had this headache, I couldn't get rid of it, see, so I went to the Navy doctor.
So he examines me and says I have pressure on the brain, he should remove it. So well, I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship, you know, 'cause afterwards they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain?
Ralph: Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight.
Alice: You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up. Ralph: I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn't my fault, Alice, it wasn't my fault. Alice: No. No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one-pound bag. Alice: [Norton had asked Alice for a wrench to fix his pipes] I thought the janitor was gonna fix the pipes.
Norton: Ah, that janitor fix the pipes. He don't fix nothing. I'm telling ya, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this, you know. Everybody in the building gets water, except us. Norton: You tell me it's no joke. Boy, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd work eight hours in the sewer and come home and want to see water! Ralph: [answering the janitor's phone yet again] Hello? You can't get Jersey on it!
Gibson: Look, Alice, just because you're married to a horse doesn't mean you have to live in a stable. Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a couple of "Hello, Stupids" and stuff like that! Now I don't even get that, anymore, huh?
Well, let me tell you somethin', and get this into your head! This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!
Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] You and I, we're goin' home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, and she had to leave. Ed Norton: That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Ed Norton: [Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.
Ed Norton: I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement. Ralph Kramden: Oh, no.
Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse. Ed Norton: Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss. Alice Kramden: Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her. Ralph Kramden: Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose.
She hates me, Alice! Ralph Kramden: My imagination? I suppose it was my imagination the day we were married and she went around telling that joke about me! Ralph Kramden: You remember, you remember the joke she went around tellin' everyone about me!
Ralph Kramden: Oh, yes, you do. She ran around the reception tellin' everybody "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton. Ralph Kramden: Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming. Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind!
Ralph Kramden: Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you got a lose. It's no match. Ed Norton: [to Ralph about his mother-in-law] I can't even afford to feed her.
Boy, can she eat! When she comes to dinner, she clears that table like a hurdler. Gee, and is she fat. From the front, she looks like you from the back! A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women.
The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance.
She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it. Ralph Kramden: Well, let me tell you something, I had some chances, too, you know, before I married you!
Ralph Kramden: Don't laugh Alice, there were plenty of girls crazy about me and you know it. Every time I went down to the beach they used to crowd around me.
Alice Kramden: Sure. Sure, they crowded around you. That didn't mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade! Ralph: Oh, you're a riot, Alice. You are a regular riot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You certainly are funny, Alice. You know, you're the one who oughta join a circus.
You oughta be in the circus. You'd be funnier than that guy they got there now, Emmett Kelly, the clown. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose. Ralph thinks it's his mother-in-law]. Ralph: [to Alice] Alice, your mother isn't setting one foot in this house.
Not one foot or we'll never get rid of her! Ralph: Short visit? You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. The only trouble is she came New Year's and stayed 'til Christmas!
Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Ain't you even gonna give me a friendly Raccoon good-bye? Ralph Kramden: I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you for anything in the world. Never again will I "ooh-ooh" you! You're a traitor and a turncoat, a disgrace to that uniform and the Raccoon Lodge! I should "ooh-ooh" you? Ralph Kramden: What are you doing with all this material, making a bed spread? Alice Kramden: Listen, Ralph, you can scream all you want to, but I want you to get one thing straight: my mother is coming here, and my mother is always welcome in my house.
Ralph Kramden: Your house? M-Y house, my house!
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